The Pressure to Be a “Better Mom”: Letting Go of the Myth of Perfection
The Struggle Is Real. What You Are Feeling Is Real.
Ever find yourself looking around and wondering, "How is everyone else doing this?"
Volunteering, after-school activities, play dates, family dinners, homemade lunches, clean clothes, neatly packed and organized backpacks—and just whispering to yourself, "I just want to be a good mom. Am I doing enough?"
Those thoughts, those little pressure cracks of comparison? That’s a signal. A whisper from the part of you that’s feeling stretched, stressed, disconnected, tired, unsure, and in need of something that isn’t more parenting tips. It’s your humanness talking. This is your survival mode.
It means you care.
It means you’re noticing something that needs tending to.
It means you’re ready for change—not because you’re falling apart, but because you’re evolving.
You’re not unraveling. You’re responding.
What “Better” Usually Means
Let’s be honest—some moms who say they want to be better are talking about color-coded routine charts, trendy bento box lunches with those cute little animal-shaped snacks, perfectly curated, Pinterest-worthy birthday parties.
But that’s not the “better mom” we’re focusing on here.
Here, “better” means:
Yelling less, responding with more calm and patience
Being more present where and when it really matters
Feeling okay with all that you’re doing—and knowing it’s enough
Raising happy, healthy children
Creating more moments of joy and less pressure and stress at home, for you and the children
Because better isn’t about perfection. It’s about connection.
And connection happens in micro-moments: the 30-second snuggle, the shared glance over dinner, the silly dance in the kitchen. These everyday interactions are what child development experts call “serve-and-return” interactions—where a child expresses something and the parent responds warmly. According to the Harvard Center on the Developing Child, these micro-moments build neural connections in a child’s brain and form the foundation for emotional resilience, security, and social skills.
The Pressure to Perform
Social media has rewritten the script on what parenting should look like—and not for the better.
We’re flooded with curated images of picture-perfect routines: children in color-coordinated outfits eating homemade lunches on biodegradable plates, chore charts with gold stars, and homes that somehow stay spotless even during a craft project.
That constant stream of curated perfection sends a quiet but crushing message: to be a “good” mom, you need to be everything. Stylish, organized, patient, creative, consistent, calm, inspiring—and make it all look effortless.
But that’s not parenting—that’s performance.
What we’re aiming for is something different: the messy, meaningful middle of real life. The kind where you're skidding to the curb, yelling “Go go go!” while stuffing snacks into backpacks and blowing kisses.
When you parent from a place of comparison or fear of what others will think, the connection suffers. You start focusing on how things look instead of how they feel. You swap presence for performance. And that creates pressure for both you and your child.
Here’s what the research says: what your kids actually need isn’t a perfect parent. It’s a safe, consistent, emotionally available one (Siegel & Bryson, 2011).
What Matters Most
Let’s focus on what actually matters. Those micro-moments:
Eye contact, hugs, reading at bedtime
Laughing at the small things
Admitting when you're wrong
Saying “I’m sorry” when you snap—and meaning it
Asking, “How was your heart today?” and listening
When you feel overwhelmed and find yourself questioning if you are doing "enough," check your connection first. Not the to-do list.
Caring For You Is Caring for Them
We tell ourselves that good moms do it all.
But the reality is, we are exhausted. Exhausted from trying to do it all—and from the pressure to make it all look effortless while doing it.
Social media often delivers invisible messages that whisper, "You’re not doing enough." Instagram reels and TikToks make the highlight reel look like everyday life. But behind every curated post is a reality that’s far more complex.
The truth? You don’t have to be the mom who nails it all. You can be the mom who skids to the curb with lunch boxes flying, yelling encouragement through the window, and still be a damn good parent.
Being real doesn’t make you weak. It makes you wise. It makes you human.
And yes, asking for help sometimes? That doesn’t make you weak either. It makes you honest.
But beyond asking, maybe it’s about letting go. Letting go of the illusion that you must be perfect to be good. Letting go of the need to perform for invisible expectations. Letting go of the guilt for not loving every minute.
Some of the strongest, most loving moms I know still yell in the carpool line, still forget the library books, still serve cereal for dinner—and their kids are just fine.
Because self-care isn’t selfish. It’s modeling.
When your kids see you:
say no
choose yourself
be okay with "just clean" but not hospital-level clean
laugh and joke, smile, let the small things go
they learn to do the same.
Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion shows that people who treat themselves with kindness are more resilient, emotionally aware, and better able to connect with others (Neff, 2011).
Want to be a better mom? Start by being a real one. The kind who loves her kids fiercely and chooses herself sometimes too.
Final Reflection
Take a quiet moment and ask yourself:
What does “better” actually mean for me?
What am I really asking for when I say, “I just want to be a better mom”?
And what would change if you stopped trying to be a better mom—and started trying to be a more real one?
Give yourself a pause. You deserve it.
Try this:
Pause and place your hand over your heart.
Take one breath and say to yourself:
“I’m doing the best I can with what I have today. And that is enough.”Now offer yourself one small act of kindness: a sip of something warm, five minutes with music, a moment to breathe and be.
You’re not alone. And you don’t have to carry this alone.
If this “better mom” pressure feels like the same old track on repeat, you don’t have to keep playing it alone. Click here to book a 1:1 session and we can change the soundtrack together—discovering what’s possible when we untangle the pressure and reconnect with what matters most to you as a parent.
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References & Resources
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child
Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself
Harvard University Center on the Developing Child. (n.d.). Serve and Return