Lost In Translation — Did They Really Just Ask That?
Understanding and How to Respond to Those Age-Old Questions That Don’t Hit Quite Right for Today’s Younger Generations
The Generational Translation Problem
A lot of family gathering tension could be avoided if we had a better understanding of the intention behind the question being asked. Many times, the asker has no idea they’re being insensitive, rude, intrusive… or that they just casually hopped a fence and landed in your personal space.
And no—this isn’t me saying every Gen Xer or Boomer is trying to start a fight. Some are. (We all know one.) But many are genuinely clueless, because these were completely normal questions to ask and answer.
Back then (and this isn’t the too-far-distant past), the expectation was pretty straight-line: graduate high school, go into the military/college/a job, get married, have kids, retire. Easy peasy. (Haha. No really—that was the norm.) No one questioned the script the way people do now.
And when that’s the script you grew up with, it makes sense that people keep reaching for it—even when it doesn’t fit today. So yes, they often don’t realize they’re hurting your feelings or coming across as judging or comparing. A lot of the time, they genuinely don’t realize how it lands.
The world changed fast. The questions didn’t.
Translation Rule: It isn’t just about what’s being asked—it’s what the question means to them… versus how it lands on you.
Because if the first question comes across like a soft grenade lobbed into the conversation, everything after is already caught up in the explosion
And you know exactly what I mean because you’ve lived it.
The Dinner Table Moment (When You Know It’s Coming)
Dinner is going fine. It’s loud. There’s laughter. Someone makes a joke that’s actually funny. For a second, you think, okay… maybe this won’t be a whole thing.
Then someone turns toward you with that friendly tone—the one that sounds warm but somehow puts you on the spot anyway.
You feel it before it even happens. Because you know who it is. You know the pattern. You know what’s coming.
The first question lands like a soft grenade—polite on the outside, explosive in the subtext:
“So… what’s the plan?”
And then it’s rapid fire.
“Are you still living there?”
“Are you dating anyone?”
“What are you doing for work?”
“When are you going to settle down?”
“Have you thought about going back to school?”
And suddenly you’re not catching up. You’re being grilled.
That’s the moment this post is for.
When Boomers / Gen X ask big-life questions, they often mean…
“Are you working? What are your job prospects? How do you expect that to work?”
Translation: “I care about your stability.”“I don’t see you dating… and your social life seems like your phone and video games.”
Translation: “I’m worried and I don’t know how to say it gently.”“Your parents/aunt/whoever hasn’t told me much and I’m realizing I don’t actually know your life.”
Translation: “I’m trying to connect in the only way I know.”“I’ve lived a long life, I’ve been through things, I want to pass on what I learned… also I feel irrelevant.”
Translation: “I want to feel helpful and matter.”“I’m asking milestone questions that made sense when I was your age or raising someone your age.”
Translation: “I’m checking the adult milestones I was taught mattered.”
One more translation layer: for a lot of Gen X/Boomers, these questions are also their awkward invitation to offer support. It’s like they’re opening the door for you to say, “Actually… I could use advice,” because that’s the way they know how to show love and usefulness. The catch is… they’ll often give the advice whether you asked or not. It’s a weird dance.
When today’s young adults hear those questions, it often lands like…
“You don’t think I can make it.”
“You don’t trust that I have the skills.”
“You don’t approve of my life choices.”
“You’re treating me like a child, not the adult I am.”
“You’re prying into my life and I don’t like it.”
Both things can be true: they may not be trying to anger or insult you… and you still get to feel how you feel (and set boundaries) when it hits wrong.
Quick reality check (why timelines feel so different now)
A lot of this disconnect is unintentional with maybe a smidge of intention. A lot of it is also… reality.
People are marrying later than previous generations.
Living at home longer is far more common for young adults right now.
The “job-hopping” stereotype isn’t as solid as people think when you compare generations at similar ages.
The cost of housing + the cost of everything has changed the whole timeline.
So… you’re not failing, and you’re not behind. You’re right where you’re supposed to be: figuring it out. You’re living in a different everything with a different set of norms.
The Goal (So You Don’t Get Hooked)
This post isn’t about how ignorant people are, or how your family thinks you’re a loser, or how they don’t get you.
It’s about understanding what’s happening, staying grounded, and giving you tools to respond without leaving the gathering feeling disrespected, defensive, or misunderstood.
Here’s the reframe that changes everything:
You’re not required to answer the question they asked. You’re allowed to answer the question you want to answer.
That’s not just a family gathering skill. That’s a life skill.
The Warm + Firm Formula
When someone lobs one of those big questions your way:
Assume positive intent (unless you know it’s that person)
Give a small true answer, or none at all (one sentence is enough)
Sidestep + answer the question you want to answer (this keeps you in control)
Redirect by asking a question or changing the topic (this is the “next step”)
Example:
“Totally fair question—I’m working on it. I don’t have it fully planned out, but I can tell you what I’m focused on right now.”
Kind. Clear. You stay in the driver’s seat.
That Helpful Advice (That You Didn’t Ask For)
Some older generations were taught: advice = love.
A lot of younger adults experience unsolicited advice as: you don’t think I’m capable.
Here’s the translation piece that gets missed:
Young adulthood is literally the season of building autonomy—figuring out who you are, learning how to do hard things, stacking small wins, and proving to yourself that you can handle your life. It’s the start of the climb.
Meanwhile, many of the adults asking those annoying questions are doing a weird form of care: they want to know you’ll be okay, and they’re trying to toss you a “helpful tip” from their experience.
So you’re grinding to prove yourself and feel capable… and they’re offering advice to feel useful and protective.
It’s the same moment, interpreted completely differently.
What many young adults actually want to hear is:
“I see you doing it. You’re doing great.”
Not a lecture. Not problem solving. Just recognition.
Try:
“I appreciate you trying to help. Right now I don’t need advice—I just need you to listen.”
“What I can really use is for you to listen.”
“Thank you — I think I got it.”
If they keep pushing:
“Thank you — I think I got it.”
Scripts That Work
“What’s the plan?” / “What are you doing with your life?”
“Good question. I don’t have it all figured out just yet, but here’s what I’m focusing on right now.”
“I don’t know, but my next step is ___.”
“I’m figuring it out. What’s new with you?”
Work / school / money
“It’s good. I’m just figuring it out.”
“I’m working on it.”
“I hear you. I’m getting there.”
Living situation / moving out
“It’s working for the moment.”
“I’m figuring it out as it comes.”
“I’ve got a plan that I’m working on.”
Dating / marriage / kids
“No big updates.”
“If there’s news worth sharing, you’ll hear it.”
“Not my focus right now.”
“I’m good where I am.”
When they keep circling back
“I thought I already explained what I’m doing?”
“Is there something specific you’re curious about?”
“I haven’t asked you about ___… how’s that going?”
The Intent Check + Boundary Move (When It Lands Bad)
Sometimes something sounds judgmental, rude, or even hateful—and you can’t tell if they meant it that way. This is where you ask for clarity first. Not to be polite. To be accurate.
Step 1 — Clarify
“I’m not sure what you mean by that.”
“Can you say more?”
“Are you asking because you’re curious… or is it something else?”
“Help me understand what you’re trying to say.”
Step 2 — Name the impact (without accusing)
“Ouch”
“That sounds judgy.”
“I don’t think you meant it that way, right?”
Step 3 — Set the boundary / redirect (warm, controlled)
“I’m not up for talking about that right now. I’m still just trying to make sense of it for myself.”
“Here’s something you might like to know: ___.”
“Lots of interest, I appreciate that. Thank you.”
Add the LGBTQ+ Layer
For LGBTQ+ young adults, “normal” questions can land differently—because sometimes you’re not being asked a casual question. You’re being asked to explain yourself, defend yourself, or disclose something personal on demand.
And this is part of that tsunami-level change we talked about: the language, the norms, and the visibility around identity has shifted fast. When humans experience fast change, the first response is often fear, discomfort, or opposition… and over time, many people cool down into acceptance, understanding, and respect. (Not everyone. But many.)
None of that means it’s your job to be the educator at family gatherings. It just explains why this topic can get charged quickly—even when the person asking thinks they’re “just making conversation.”
So here’s the core truth:
You don’t owe anyone access to your identity, your body, your dating life, or your story.
Not at dinner. Not in the living room. Not because someone asked with a smile.
The sticky part: Is this “lost in translation”… or is it straight-up homophobia/transphobia?
You don’t have to guess right away. You can run a simple decision path:
Check your safety + bandwidth
If you feel unsafe, cornered, or flooded → you don’t clarify. You exit.Clarify once (if you want to)
This tells you a lot.Choose your response
Keep it simple, correct + move on, set a boundary, or leave.
Scripts that protect you (respectful, supportive to YOU)
If you want privacy:
“I’m dating.”
“Nothing serious.”
“I’ll let you know when I know.”
“It’s good.” (and then you change the subject)
If you’re out and want it simple:
“I use they/them.”
“It’s ___ now—thanks.”
“Quick correction—___.”
“Thanks for trying. If you mess up, just correct it and keep going.”
If you’re not sure intent (one calm clarity check):
“Are you asking because you’re curious… or is it something else?”
“What did you mean by that?”
“I don’t think you meant it that way, right?”
Then you watch what happens.
If it’s the lost in translation or just trying to understand (and you want to keep it calm):
“I see that you’re trying. I’ll answer the questions you have—thank you for trying. That means a lot to me.”
“I’m not going deep on it tonight, but I appreciate the effort.”
“You don’t have to fully understand me to respect me.”
If it’s intentional (homophobia/transphobia, repeated pokes, slurs, degrading comments)
If this happens at most gatherings—comments, “jokes,” little pokes, slurs, degrading questions—just stop.
Thank whoever invited you (as long as they aren’t the one). Comment on the good food, the drinks, most of the company… and excuse yourself.
You can do this quietly. You can do it grandly. Depends on how fed up, hurt, sad, or done you are in that moment.
Just remember (and I hope this statement is true—because you deserve it): not everyone there feels that way about you. Even if it’s loud, even if it’s awkward, even if it’s one person with a big mouth.
But leave. Gather your people—or just yourself—and go.
You don’t owe a reason. They know.
And in leaving, you’re showing what you will not tolerate, that you respect yourself.
No guilt. Just respect.
You have an ally
If you don’t have safe people in the room: you have me. I mean it.
Contact form: https://www.eileenlifecoaching.com/contact
Email (spam-bot-proof): info [at] eileenlifecoaching [dot] com
And if you need support, or more immediate support, here are affirming resources:
The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help/
988 Lifeline: https://988lifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/
Trans Lifeline: https://translifeline.org/hotline/
LGBT National Help Center: https://www.glbthotline.org/
If you’re used to doing family gatherings alone on the inside, you don’t have to do that anymore. For real, contact me, reach out. I will be your person. I know people that will too.
If You Freeze, People-Please, or Snap — Use a Pause Phrase
When your body goes into survival mode, don’t aim for the perfect comeback. Aim for a pause.
“Hold on — I need a second.”
“Let me think about how to answer that.”
“Give me a minute.”
Pause buys you power.
Remember: you’re not required to answer the question they asked. You’re allowed to answer the question you want to answer.
If It’s Too Much
You are not a hostage at a family gathering.
If it’s too much, if you’re overwhelmed, if your body is telling you it’s time to check out… you can. You’ve just read a bunch of ways to do that throughout this post.
And if you made it this far in reading it: you’ve got this.
I believe in you — and you’re doing great. Literally, you are. I know you probably don’t hear that as much as you should.
Reflection
Pick one:
Which person’s questions hook you the fastest — and what do they trigger in you?
What boundary do you wish you could set without your heart racing?
What’s one sentence you want ready in your pocket for the next gathering?
If you could answer the real question underneath their question, what would it be?
Want help making this easier in real life?
Book a consult: https://eileenlifecoaching.as.me
Or reach out: info [at] eileenlifecoaching [dot] com
The Bottom Line
You don’t have to prove anything at family gatherings.
You don’t have to explain yourself to earn respect. Respect is a two-way street.
You can be kind without being available.
You can be warm with boundaries.
You can protect your peace and still love your people.
Loving heart. Clear words. Strong boundaries