When Loving Families Say Hurtful Things: How to Support Your Child During the Holidays
We Want the Holidays to Be Magical...
But sometimes, what’s supposed to be joyful is where your child starts to pull away.
Maybe it’s a relative who misgenders them, comments on their body, jokes about their behavior, or dismisses what matters most to them. These aren’t always meant to be intentionally harmful, but they are felt deeply by your child or teen — especially those who are LGBTQ+, neurodiverse, or simply different from the family's norms or expectations.
Those offhanded comments can feel like rejection. Even if “no one knows,” your child hears the subtext. And that disconnect? It sinks in fast.
If your child becomes quiet or withdrawn around extended family, it’s not an overreaction. It’s a warning sign. They aren't comfortable or feel welcomed. They don’t feel safe.
And while you may not be able to change your relatives overnight, you can become your child’s steady ground.
What It Looks Like to Show Up
Start small:
Validate what they’re feeling without rushing to fix it: “Yeah… that was a lot. I get why that stung.”
Offer neutral ground during gatherings: a quiet bedroom, after-dinner walk, or a check-in text.
Give them language to use — or permission to say nothing. You can model calm boundary-setting:
“We don’t see it that way.”
“Thoughts have changed on that. That’s not how we do things in our home.”
If a child knows they can make eye contact with you and get a signal or word that means, “You’ve got me,” they’re less likely to internalize the shame or confusion that comes from passive or aggressive comments.
You’re not protecting them from life — you’re teaching them how to stand tall in who they are, while knowing they’re not alone.
The Hidden Costs of Staying Silent
When kids overhear family comments — even ones not directed at them — the impact is real.
The ADHD kid who’s told they’re “too much” or “lazy.”
The quiet kid labeled “weird.”
The trans teen who hears a joke about “those people.”
Even if no one knows your child’s full story, your child does. And each comment feels personal.
If they don’t feel safe saying, “That hurt,” the hurt gets buried. And unspoken pain becomes distance. Distance becomes disconnection. Disconnection becomes loneliness — even in a full house.
You may not be able to stop every comment, but your voice matters. Your child is watching. When you model quiet courage, the gentle interruption, the calm boundary, the loving check-in — you are showing them: “You are worth protecting.”
And if you’re worried about keeping the peace? Remember: protecting your child and preserving your relationships are not mutually exclusive. You’re not causing drama by supporting your child — you’re modeling what support looks like.
Helping Your Child to Self-Advocate (Without Putting It All on Them)
Supporting your child doesn’t always mean stepping in — it can mean standing beside them.
Before the gathering:
Check in: “Who are you excited to see? Is there anything you’re nervous about?”
Make a plan: Create a code word or a “rescue look” so they know they have options.
Practice a few calm phrases they can use if they want to speak up.
After:
Debrief: Ask what went well, what didn’t, and what could be different next time.
Let them know how proud you are — not just for how they handled it, but for being themselves.
You’re not just helping them survive family. You’re teaching them how to navigate hard conversations with confidence and self-respect.
Final Reflection
Think back to a time someone truly stood up for you — not with a grand gesture, but in a quiet, steady way.
How did that feel in your body? What shifted for you in that moment?
Now imagine offering that same sense of protection and presence to your child.
What’s one small way you can show them: I see you. I’ve got you. I’m here. — especially during the holidays?
You don’t have to figure this out alone. Our children’s world is different from the one we grew up in — and you’re allowed to grow and adapt right alongside them.
Let’s talk. Book a 1:1 session to gain clarity so you can walk into your next gathering with calm, confidence, and a plan.
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References & Resources
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child
Faber, A., & Mazlish, E. (2012). How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk
American Academy of Pediatrics (2018). Ensuring Comprehensive Care and Support for Transgender and Gender-Diverse Children and Adolescents AAP Guidelines
Kristin Neff, PhD. Self-Compassion Research
Child Mind Institute. Supporting Kids with ADHD & ANXIETY