Parenting Teens & Young Adults Into Adulthood

When Young Adulthood Doesn’t Look Like It Used To

There’s a particular kind of parenting whiplash happening right now.

Your kid is old enough to drive, vote, work, or technically “be an adult”… and yet you’re watching them struggle with things that feel like they should be easier by now. Motivation. Follow-through. Social confidence. Handling feedback. Basic life logistics. Getting out the door on time. Staying regulated when plans change.

And layered over all of that is the quiet, unsettling truth:

The world they’re stepping into is not the same world we stepped into.
Not even close. Not even compared to ten years ago.

So if you’ve found yourself thinking:

Am I helping in a way that builds skills… or am I accidentally doing too much?
How hard do I push without turning my house into a daily battle zone?
Why can they do big things but fall apart over small ones?

You’re not alone. You’re parenting inside a new developmental landscape.

This post is a parent-ed reset—and a map for how to support independence without taking over, while letting go of outdated expectations that no longer fit the world our kids are growing up in.

And a quick language note: I’m not going to do the whole “you’re not failing / you’re not behind” thing here. That assumes there’s a scoreboard. There isn’t. There’s just real life, a changing world, and the work of adjusting what actually helps.

The landscape changed (and it matters)

COVID didn’t just disrupt school—it disrupted “practice time”

A lot of today’s teens and young adults lost something subtle but essential during the pandemic: real-life reps.

School wasn’t just academics. It was daily practice in:

– navigating friendships
– handling conflict
– recovering from awkward moments
– tolerating boredom
– managing feedback
– showing up even when you didn’t feel like it

Those aren’t extras. Those are developmental building blocks.

So when a young adult looks “older in age, younger in skill,” the more accurate frame is often: missing reps + a world that got harder to launch into.

This is the exact kind of work I do with parents who want support that builds skills without turning their home into a battleground.

Adulthood itself is harder to launch into

Even without COVID, adulthood changed:

– housing costs are higher
– entry-level jobs are harder to access
– college and career paths are less linear
– “stable” is harder to define, let alone reach

Comparing your kid to you at 19 isn’t apples to apples.
It’s apples to a completely different climate.

Neurodivergent development follows a different timeline—and it’s often uneven

If your teen or young adult is neurodivergent (ADHD, autism, learning differences, anxiety), development is often asynchronous.

They may:
– sound emotionally insightful
– care deeply
– be capable in complex areas

…and still struggle with planning, starting tasks, time sense, regulation, or follow-through.

That’s not a character issue. It’s wiring.

Some brains need skills made explicit, practiced repeatedly, and supported externally before they internalize them. Pressure doesn’t speed this up. Structure does.

And then there’s the phone

Social media didn’t cause everything—but it changed the ecosystem.

Today’s teens are growing up in a 24/7 social environment:

– constant comparison
– disrupted sleep
– less recovery time between social interactions
– attention pulled in a thousand directions

This doesn’t mean phones are “bad.”

It means we’re parenting inside a highly engineered attention economy, and pretending that doesn’t affect development sets everyone up to struggle unnecessarily.

What parents get stuck between

Most parents I work with are caught between two fears:

Fear #1: If I help too much, I’m building dependence.
Fear #2: If I don’t help enough, they’ll crash and burn.

Both fears make sense.

So here’s the reframe:

Your job isn’t to rescue or to lecture.
Your job is to scaffold.

Scaffolding = support that builds skill and shrinks over time.
It’s temporary by design.

Not:
“I do it for you.”
“Figure it out, good luck.”

But:
“I’ll help you learn how to do this—and then I’ll step back as you grow.”

How to scaffold independence without catering or crushing

The 4-step scaffold (simple, practical, repeatable)

1. Make the goal concrete

Instead of “be more responsible,” try:
“Be ready to leave by 8:10.”
“Turn in assignments by Sunday night.”
“Schedule and attend your appointment.”

Clear goals reduce power struggles.
Vague goals invite them.

2. Identify the missing step

Most stuckness has a missing step hiding inside it.

Ask:
What part is hardest—starting, planning, finishing, remembering?
What part feels overwhelming or confusing?

Find the missing step, and you can teach a skill instead of fighting.

3. Support the step (not the whole task)

You help with the thinking, not the doing.

You help outline the plan → they execute it.
You sit nearby during the phone call → they speak.
You build a reminder system together → they run it.

If you’re doing more than half, the scaffold is too big.

4. Fade the support

As soon as they show capacity, step back a notch.

Independence grows through boring consistency, not dramatic leaps.

What changes for neurodivergent teens & young adults

Neurodivergent kids don’t need less expectation.
They need different scaffolding.

What helps:
– external structure (lists, alarms, routines)
– fewer steps at a time
– repetition without shame
– predictable check-ins
– regulation before problem-solving

What doesn’t:
– “You should know this by now”
– pulling support too early
– moralizing executive-function struggles

Boundaries still matter. Support just looks smarter.

Warm boundary examples:
“I’ll help you plan it. I’m not doing it for you.”
“I’m stepping back from reminders—what system are you using?”
“I love you, and I’m still holding the line.”

That’s not harsh. That’s stabilizing.

Try this week: one independence rep + one attention rep

Rep #1: One independence rep

Choose one small, real-life task they own this week:
– make an appointment call
– email a teacher or boss
– plan and cook one meal
– handle one errand start-to-finish

Use this script:
“Do you want listening, ideas, or help making a plan?”

Then:
plan together (3 steps max)
they do it
quick debrief: what worked, what was hard

Rep #2: One attention rep

Pick one daily moment where the phone is not involved:
– phone-free dinner
– 15 minutes after school/work to decompress
– charging phones outside bedrooms (even a few nights counts)

Frame it as support, not control:
“I’m trying to protect sleep and stress levels. Let’s try this for a week.”

Reflection (for you, not for them)

Take a quiet moment and ask:

Where am I parenting from an older map that doesn’t match today’s terrain?
Where am I rescuing because I’m anxious—not because it builds skill?
Where am I stepping back too far, too fast, and hoping competence magically appears?
What skill does my kid need most right now: starting, planning, finishing, regulating, recovering?
What’s one boundary that protects both of us and teaches adulthood without shaming?

Let whatever comes up be enough. This is recalibration, not perfection.

The bottom line

Your teen or young adult is growing up in a world that is:

– more complex
– more expensive
– more digitally intense
– and shaped by real developmental disruptions

When they struggle, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with them—or with you.
It often means support needs updating.

The goal isn’t raising a kid who never needs help.
The goal is raising a young adult who knows how to:

– ask for help appropriately
– build skills through repetition
– tolerate discomfort
– recover from mistakes
– and steadily take ownership of their life

That’s the work. And that’s the win.
And it’s absolutely doable—without catering, without crushing, and without losing yourself in the process.

If you want support applying this in real life, you can work with me here.