“I Just Want to Be a Better Mom”—What That Really Means
I hear this phrase almost daily, whispered with a mix of hope and exhaustion: "I just want to be a better mom." It usually comes after a story about a teenager who rolled their eyes so hard they practically fell backwards, or a morning that went sideways before coffee was even finished brewing, or that sinking feeling that everyone else seems to have this parenting thing figured out while you're just trying to keep the wheels on.
Here's what I've learned after years of hearing this refrain: when we say we want to be "better moms," we're rarely talking about our actual parenting skills. We're talking about something much deeper—and much more achievable than we think.
The Hidden Translation of "Better Mom"
Let's be honest about what's really behind that statement. When you say you want to be a better mom, you might actually mean:
"I want to feel more confident in my decisions instead of second-guessing everything."
"I want to stop losing my temper and then feeling guilty about it for the rest of the week."
"I want my kids to actually like me, not just tolerate me until they can escape to their rooms."
"I want to trust that I'm not screwing them up for life."
"I want to enjoy this instead of feeling like I'm constantly failing at the most important job I'll ever have."
See the difference? You're not asking to become someone else entirely. You're asking to become more yourself—the mother you already are when you're at your best, just more consistently and with less internal drama.
What "Better" Actually Looks Like in Real Life
Here's where we need to get practical, because "better mom" isn't a destination you arrive at with a certificate and a celebratory cake. It's a direction you move in, one decision at a time.
Regulated, Not Perfect
Research from the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley shows that children learn emotional regulation primarily by watching how the adults around them handle stress, frustration, and conflict. They're not looking for perfection—they're looking for modeling.
A "better mom" isn't the one who never gets frustrated when her teenager leaves dirty dishes in the sink for the fourth day running. She's the one who notices her frustration rising, takes a breath, and responds from intention rather than irritation. Sometimes she still snaps, but then she comes back later and says, "Hey, I handled that poorly. Let me try again."
Your kids don't need you to be flawless. They need you to be human and recovering gracefully when you inevitably mess up.
Present, Not Performing
We've somehow gotten the idea that good mothering requires constant engagement, entertainment, and emotional availability. But children—especially teenagers—need mothers who are genuinely present when they're together, not mothers who are performing availability 24/7.
This means you can put your phone down when your teen finally starts talking about their day, but you don't need to be "on" every moment they're in your vicinity. It means you can have your own thoughts, feelings, and interests without feeling like you're neglecting your job as a mother.
Being present is about quality of attention, not quantity of time spent hovering.
Connected, Not Controlling
Here's the hard truth: the more you try to control your children's choices, emotions, and outcomes, the less connected you'll feel to them. According to research from the American Psychological Association, authoritative parenting—which balances warmth with clear expectations—consistently produces better outcomes than authoritarian (controlling) or permissive approaches.
A "better mom" learns to influence without controlling, to guide without micromanaging, and to support without fixing. She asks questions instead of giving lectures, sets boundaries instead of making threats, and remembers that her job is to raise adults, not to keep children.
This is especially crucial with teenagers, who are literally wired to separate from you. Fighting that process makes you both miserable. Working with it keeps you connected even as they grow up.
The Four Shifts That Change Everything
If you're ready to move beyond the vague wish to "be better" and toward actual change, here are the shifts that make the biggest difference:
From "Am I doing this right?" to "What does this situation need?" Stop comparing your parenting to some imaginary standard and start responding to what's actually happening in front of you. Your intuition, informed by your knowledge of your specific child, is more valuable than any parenting book.
From "I should be able to handle this" to "This is hard, and that's normal." Research from Harvard Health Publishing confirms that acknowledging difficulty rather than fighting it actually reduces stress and improves our ability to cope. Parenting is hard work. Admitting that isn't failure—it's accuracy.
From "If I just try harder" to "What support do I need?" Better mothering isn't about increased effort; it's about increased effectiveness. Sometimes that means getting more sleep, sometimes it means asking for help, and sometimes it means therapy or coaching to work through your own patterns.
From "I'm responsible for their happiness" to "I'm responsible for my own emotional state." You cannot manage your children's emotions for them, and trying to do so exhausts you and undermines their emotional development. You can teach them, support them, and love them through their difficult feelings, but you cannot spare them from having difficult feelings.
When the Real Work Begins
The truth about becoming a "better mom" is that most of the work happens inside you, not in your parenting techniques. You're not broken and needing to be fixed—you're a human being with patterns, triggers, and stories that sometimes get in the way of showing up as the mother you want to be.
Maybe you find yourself repeating things your own mother said that you swore you'd never say. Maybe you struggle with anxiety about your children's futures. Maybe you realize you're trying to give them the childhood you wish you'd had instead of the one they actually need.
This is all normal, and it's all workable. The mothers who seem to have it all figured out? They're doing the same internal work you are—they're just further along in the process.
The Plot Twist You Didn't See Coming
Here's what I've noticed after working with mothers for years: the women who describe themselves as "wanting to be better moms" are almost always already good mothers who are being incredibly hard on themselves.
You're not starting from scratch. You're not fundamentally flawed. You're not damaging your children by being imperfect. You're a human being doing one of the most complex, important jobs in the world without a manual, and you're doing it while managing everything else in your life.
The fact that you want to do better is evidence that you're already doing well. The fact that you're reading this, thinking about your parenting, and wanting to grow means you're exactly the kind of mother your children need—thoughtful, reflective, and committed to growth.
Sometimes "being a better mom" simply means being a little kinder to the mom you already are.
From Eileen
I spent years thinking that good mothering meant having all the answers, never losing my temper, and somehow creating children who never struggled or made poor choices. What I've learned—both through my own experience and through supporting hundreds of other mothers—is that our children don't need perfect mothers. They need real ones.
They need mothers who can admit when they're wrong, who can laugh at themselves, who can hold space for difficult emotions without trying to fix everything, and who can love them fiercely while still having their own lives and interests.
You're already that mother. You just might need a little help remembering it.
If you're ready to move beyond the endless cycle of self-criticism and into clarity about what kind of mother you actually want to be, I'd love to support you. My coaching approach helps you identify your real goals (not the impossible ones you think you should have) and develop the internal tools to show up consistently as the mother you already are at your best. Learn more about working together or explore my programs designed specifically for mothers who are ready to parent from confidence instead of anxiety.